I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
