i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
