I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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