I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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