Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize