sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
