I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
