I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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