Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
