I haven't been this sober since birth.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
