you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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