I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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