You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
