Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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