I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
