I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
