We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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