Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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