Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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