Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Pooping to opera.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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