I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
