You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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