Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
