then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
