Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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