those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
