Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
