we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
