I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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