Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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