The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
