Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
