Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
