We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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