I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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