The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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