and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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