The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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