those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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