His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
