I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
