That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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