phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
