There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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