You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
