Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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