And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
