I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
