Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
