You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
