He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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