im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He kissed a someone with a penis
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
