I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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