Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
