We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
