i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
