I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
