ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
