i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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