Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
