4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
